I had every intention of writing a blog post every two months minimum since my last. Just about a year later, I am sitting down to honestly process wtf the last year of my life has been. I am not going to lie, I thought that 2022 was going to potentially be my hardest yet, but I was wrong. I promise this isn’t going to be a woe is me blog about how hard my life has been and how sad I am because honestly… it is quite the opposite. It’s just different from what I envisioned. 2023 was significant and I am especially grateful for the lessons that it has brought regardless of how challenging and devastating they were.

No. 1: Divorce

I hate the word divorce. I hate that everyone wants to know about it. Most of all, I really hate that I even had to experience it. Carrying the label of being divorced is heavier than I anticipated (especially at age 31) and I can’t tell if that is from my own judgement or my fear of being judged by others. When your life is so intertwined with someone else’s, it’s hard to even conceptualize leaving all that you know and starting over again. I never anticipated that this would be my reality especially since there is so much love and respect that still remains for the human on the other side. It appears that the word divorce and failure are synonymous for some, but it’s important (for me at least) to remember that divorce is more common than we think and it doesn’t make you a failure of a human or a partner; choosing yourself is more important than losing yourself. Sometimes you try everything in your power to make something work and things just will never align the way you had in mind when we are constantly changing as individuals. When I share this piece of information with people it often is followed with “I am so sorry” or “what happened” and my least favorite: unsolicited advice. I find myself needing to almost explain my story or even defend myself as to why it happened. This seems to be the norm when talking to others that have experienced divorce or separation but I don’t owe anyone an explanation because most people aren’t asking because they care…they just want the tea. For someone that shares so much of their life on social media, I knew it was going to be a point of discussion when I stopped posting our life and started posting my life. I believe that transparency is important but I have also learned that privacy is something I need to hold a little closer and practice because respectfully, my life is not necessarily anyone's business - and divorce is the business of the two that are going through it. I mentioned this in my previous post, but the hardest thing is grieving what I thought was going to be my life and losing a relationship that was assumed to be forever. Regardless, this is a part of my story and journey and it has helped me be a more resilient human as I navigate what continues to be a challenging healing process, which can't be avoided it turns out. And I am very good at avoiding.

No. 2: Loneliness

I wish I could even explain the level of loneliness that has come after separating two lives that were once intertwined. Nobody ever wishes to be lonely, but I will say that loneliness has allowed me to sit with myself and be forced to grow and evolve to a point of independence that I have never experienced but craved so badly. For that, I am forever grateful. I am in a constant state of reflection regarding how I can be better for myself and the people that I love. It’s definitely not glamorous as I am on the verge of a menty b most days. Do I cry? More than I’d like to admit. Am I (literally) alone often? More than I might want to be. But I want to believe that it’s all a part of the journey and that it won’t feel like this forever. I have never truly been alone until my late twenties so I am very much still learning how to exist in it but I have to say…it’s very empowering.

No. 3: Career

Taking a year off from social work was one of the best decisions I had ever made even though I never planned on returning. For a long time I was put in a position to be a caretaker for several people in my life, which made showing up in my profession extremely challenging to the point where empathy was hard to find. Not only was I struggling with how to connect with my profession, but I also found myself being resentful towards certain populations I worked with and that resentment began to negatively impact the way I performed. Though I never thought going back to social work was the plan, things fell into place and this year and I have never been this grounded nor felt this sure about my career. With the trauma that I have experienced in my life, it had been so easy to fall into negative thought patterns. I think I craved so badly to love the job that I was doing, but I have learned it’s also ok to not love your job but to enjoy it just enough to show up, do the thing, and leave it when it’s time to go home while looking for the bright spots throughout the day. I have never experienced this type of “work life balance” before and it’s because I actively work at showing up as the best version of myself and focus on what is in my control. I have (only kind of) turned into believing that (some) things happen for a reason, and this is one of them; Taking the time for yourself to heal your own wounds before you become resentful where there is no going back. I truly do enjoy doing what I do regardless of how heavy some days may be but I love that I am in a profession that allows me to make an impact on someone's trajectory regardless of it being small or big.

No. 4: Relationships

I have to say, I have never felt more connected with who I am and what I am doing than I do now. Because of that I believe people have come into my life and left my life naturally. I have gotten to the point where I am able to recognize that I don’t necessarily like everyone and that's ok. I also understand that not everyone is going to like me; I am still working on being ok with this as a recovering people pleaser. I have been better at saying “no” to things that I don’t feel aligned with and “yes” to things that are meeting my needs at the moment. With saying yes, I have surrounded myself with like-minded people that have become some of the most important connections in my life. Ones that I have leaned on while going through so many recent challenges. Co-workers have become family, students have become friends and my current friendships have become deeper and more meaningful. Through this, I have noticed while I am changing I recognize my worth and where my energy should be going. As time goes on and as we age, friendships/relationships change. Understanding that this is ok has been challenging but also it’s led me to a point of accepting. Not everyone is going to stay in your life, and certain friendships/relationships are there to serve you in certain seasons of your life.

No. 5: ED (Trigger warning)

My eating disorder and body dysmorphia have been a massive part of my life (good and bad) and it’s hard to accept that I have to navigate my way through it while trying to live my life. Growing up in a home where my diet and body was always a focus is sadly something that carried into my daily life as an adult. I wish I could say that it doesn’t show up in how I show up daily, but it does. Now that I am 4+ years in recovery from my active eating disorder, I still battle the mental baggage that comes with the trauma of what it has done to me. Constant thoughts about of how I can take up less space, if I worked out that day or when I am going to work out, “good” and “bad” food that has been consumed and the shame that follows with it. And last but not least, my least favorite… comparison. Comparing myself to other humans and wishing I had what they had regardless if it’s "be smaller" or the fact that they don’t have to worry about what I do daily. With that comes a looming feeling of not being good enough which has caused a lot of damage in my life as well as relationships. When you’re reading this you might wonder where the lesson lies. Well, every single day is a lesson and I feel like going through said struggle has allowed me to be much more empathetic towards the humans that are victims to the society we live in. Not only has it been something that helped me show up for this specific population in my social work career, it has helped me be more aware of how to hold space in a positive way while teaching fitness and the language I use. I wish more people understood how debilitating eating disorders are and I wish people asked more questions to understand. I will never stop being transparent about this because you never know who’s life will be impacted by speaking up and saying “me too.” I do want to stress that I have come so far, and truly am happy with where I am at when I am not deep into my ED brain. I can’t say this enough, I am so so so lucky to have the people that I do in my life.

No. 6: No One Cares

Consumerism is so fucked up in so many ways and I will be the first person to admit that I fall into the trap that that more I have and the nicer things I own the happier I will be. I believe this is also a symptom of the above struggle I have regarding my relationship with my body. Thinking that the more clothing or items I have, the more I will love my body or people will appreciate my “look” rather than focus on what is underneath. We all want what we can’t have or what we don’t need. But the more I think about it, the more I realize no one gives a fuck about what you are wearing or what you have and how you are presenting yourself. If they do that is a "them problem" and shows more about someone else's character is than what is actually going on with you. Individuality is one of the most beautiful things about this life and not to sound cliche but life is short; wear and do whatever that fuck you want. No one truly cares because they are too focused on themselves.

No. 7: Priorities

As time goes on priorities change and (in my opinion) learning to be more selfish in the area of what my own priorities are is incredibly important not just for me, but should be for everyone. However, I do feel like this is a fine line as there is a difference between setting boundaries and abandoning connections altogether. Obviously, I'm still working on this. Focusing on my overall health has become my main priority and when something gets in the way of that I am learning to be better at saying no. If something has been requiring a significant amount of energy that feels draining, I am feeling less guilty for steering clear and moving in the direction of things that are beneficial for me in that moment and things that fill my cup. Being more confident in this specific area is a place that I hope I will get to. And also realize that I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. I have learned that the people in my life that understand and respect this are people that work to truly support where I am at and are my biggest cheerleaders no matter where I am at in my journey. And if they don’t (stated above), that is a them problem. I can safely say I am moving in the direction of being in my “NO” era and loving it.

No. 8: If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no

Period.

I have to say that I am really fucking proud of myself for how I have showed up, the boundaries I have set and for the person that I am right now. For the things that I am not proud of… I am working on accepting, forgiving and learning from. My hope is that I get to a point in my life where I can look back and be proud of how I have handled my hardships and the growth that has come from it. My hardships are always going to be a part of my story but I won’t let them define who I am and how I show up. I am so fortunate for the life I live and looking forward to more positive energy.

ily,

B

Goals for year 31:

Say “no” more - to things and people I don’t want to involve myself with

Say “yes” more - to things that scare me and will assist with my growth

Lean into my own personal style - avoid “trends” and stop giving a fuck about what people think

Notice negative energy and walk away from it

Know that I don’t have to explain nor gives excuses

Take chances

Spend less

Speak up

Blog more lol